This morning's sermon caused a question to pop into my head. I am not really sure what point it could have come from or how it truly relates to the sermon but nonetheless the Holy Spirit spoke.
Do I want to do Spiritual disciplines[pray, serve, read and study more] because I am looking for something to pass the time until my "life" begins?
Singles are often told not to waste their singleness. "You have been given such opportunity to cultivate your relationship with Jesus." they say. And it is true. Yet I realized the answer to the above question was ashamedly- yes. Not only do I want to pass the time but I realized this morning that I think that I will be able to lessen my vigor, my zeal once my "life" begins and somehow survive Spiritually because during my "single" years I laid this awesome foundation. Because I cultivated this great spiritual giant of a heart. It is not a conscious thought. Heaven forbid that I would articulate that even to myself. It is a subtle way of thinking that has crept into my heart while I was unawares. Bless the LORD, I do not think it has been a constant thought either.
Lest anyone reading this think that there is no manifestation of genuine heart hunger for God let me say I truly desire to seek His face. I long to know Him more but apparently there are other wicked desires thrown into the mix. It is good to be busy. But my serving should not be about being busy so that I do not feel but rather that I serve in all of these ways and devote myself to prayer and the Word because I have the privilege of time to do so. It is not to be so that I rub shoulders with incredible godly men or that I look favorable to one when the time comes because of course, I have all these "spiritual" accomplishments. It is to be about loving my Savior. It does help my heart to be able to serve in so many different areas and it does help my heart (as it should!) to be in the Word and prayer but it is not about what I get from those things- it is about HIM!
I go through spurts where I try so hard to fight the mindset that my "life" has not begun and will not begin until I get a husband and family. But the bad idea creeps back in when I let down my guard. I begin to think life is about me and doing my "Spiritual" thing. Such abominable pride to think that I am doing some great thing for the LORD. By Him allowing me to serve Him, He is doing a great work for/in me.
I am incredibly thankful for this revelation. I have noticed a "fat" heart the last couple of weeks but did not realize the source. I think this is it. My good works have been about me. Not about HIM and I could not see it. It has been about making me feel good with life.
Oh mourn and weep you wicked heart. Confess to our Sovereign LORD, the changer of hearts. May I bless the LORD with an undivided heart that wants to love Him for only Him- not for the pat on the back or well done given by man. Oh Holy Spirit may I not quickly forget this lesson. May I be quick to confess when I see these ideas creep in. In Jesus name.